


Does He Make You Happy?

by enragedbees



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-10-25 13:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20725037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enragedbees/pseuds/enragedbees
Summary: Four years after their harsh breakup, Logan and Patton reunite and reflect on their past.





	1. There's No Forgetting You

**Author's Note:**

> This was based off of a oneshot by prince-dark-and-stormy-night on tumblr, and they gave me permission to expand it. Huge thanks to them and to xionbean for being my beta reader!
> 
> Song rec: Dangerously by Charlie Puth (This is where I’ll suggest a song that may have influenced or inspired a scene or chapter. There’s no obligation here, but it’s available if you want it!)
> 
> My tumblr: enragedbees
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated :)

Logan had stopped feeling the seasons changing.

For months, he had wasted far too much time and effort on doing things that made him happy. Eventually, he realized that whatever he did had no impact on his emotions or general well-being, so there was no point in spending his already limited schedule reaching for fleeting moments of happiness. Logan’s emotions, while muted, still came and went based on his accomplishments and mindset. It was a simple cause and effect, and there was no point in messing with that system. In a way, it freed him. Without having to worry about scheduling social engagements or alone time, he could pour all his effort into his work.

It wasn’t that he left behind a part of himself in that apartment so long ago, he so often repeated over and over again, lying in bed throughout the night, eyes wide open. It wasn’t that he was broken and couldn’t mend the shattered pieces. He was still his own person.

It was just the product of a devastating loss he could never fully process.

After spending so much time with someone, Logan recognized that many of the things he repeatedly experienced were inextricably intertwined with his memories. That it was easier to block out the things that caused him pain than to remember them and feel his heart breaking all over again.

The petrichor after a spring shower was the first time they met. The color and smell of fallen autumn leaves were the same as the day when they found their perfect apartment. There were even some foods Logan could no longer eat without seeing through the eyes of his past self. So he trained himself to stop feeling. Every time he ran into something that triggered a memory soaked in melancholia, Logan pushed it out of his mind and focused on something else. Usually, it was work. Usually, it worked.

It took awhile, but eventually Logan stopped noticing the painful memories altogether, therefore no longer noticing things like the changing of seasons or the colors of the sky. The warm summer wind that brushed over him as he walked out of his local Starbucks might as well not have blown at all. The coffee in his hand was almost certainly made incorrectly. It didn’t matter.

Logan walked down the street toward his apartment. At 4 o’clock on the Sunday before the last week of school, downtown was flooded with high schoolers desperate for a glimpse of what their summer nights would be like in just a few short days. A few of Logan’s students from the past year waved at him from outside the frozen yogurt shop. He smiled and politely waved back, then reminded himself to finish grading the final exams from their class when he got home.

Logan lost himself in his thoughts, which wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. He wrote a mental list of everything he had to do by the end of the day and the week, and what to put in place before school ended so setting up for the beginning of next year went smoothly.

“Logan?”

The sudden awakening from his autopilot stroll home startled him. He turned towards where he had heard whoever wanted to get his attention, and his stomach flipped and his mouth opened.

A shorter man with chestnut hair stood in front of him. He wore the same black hipster glasses as Logan and a striped blue T-shirt. As Logan met his gaze, he saw the other’s eyes brighten and the corners of his mouth turn up.

And all at once, Logan’s barrier shattered, and all his feelings came flooding back.

_~8 years earlier~_

Logan usually loved the rain. It was always a calming presence, a quick way to wash off any doubts or anxieties. The sky greyed and the air went cold and sweet the morning of his first day at a new job in a brand new city and Logan thought it was a good sign.

He didn’t realize it would make navigating the already confusing city even more difficult.

Fresh out of college with a degree in elementary education, Logan wandered downtown with a less than helpful map on his phone, sipping a bland coffee for the caffeine. He thought that the community center he’d be tutoring a small class in was a short walk from his new apartment, but he was on the street it was supposed to be located and couldn’t see anything telling.

Logan sighed in exasperation. Staring at his phone, he wheeled around, and immediately slammed into another person walking out of the coffee shop. They both dropped their drinks and they splattered everywhere.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” Logan tried to help pick up the mess as the other also apologized profusely. The stranger shuffled some papers and filed them away in his bag as Logan picked up and wiped off his coffee-speckled glasses.

“Let me buy you another drink,” the two said in unison. They looked up at each other and laughed sheepishly.

“Or we could both just get ours again,” offered the other, eyes shining and smile effortless. Logan was suddenly very aware of the coffee all over his jacket and the dark circles inevitably underneath his eyes. He smiled back, his face flushing a little, and tried to mess with his hair.

“I promise I’m usually more aware of my surroundings,” Logan said, handing the stranger the last of his dampened papers. “I’m just having some trouble navigating this labyrinth of a city.”

The other laughed again, and Logan couldn’t help but catch the contagious positivity this man seemed to constantly carry. “Yeah, I’ve lived here my whole life, and if you don’t know already know how to get around you’re basically screwed. If you need some help, I can point you in the right direction.”

Logan didn’t like to ask for help. But he wanted to spend even a little more time with the stranger. He also really had no idea what he was doing, and knew that he’d never get to where he needed to be without some assistance.

“Actually, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.”

“No problem!” He stuck his hand out. “I’m Patton, by the way.”

Logan shook Patton’s hand. “Logan Schlenke.”

“So, Logan, where are you headed?” Patton asked as they both walked back into the coffee shop and got in line.

Logan looked down at his phone. “I’m trying to get to the Brighton Community Center on 3rd Street. I’ve been up and down this street, but the buildings start at 400 and the center is supposed to be 56.”

Patton nodded in understanding. “Yeah, it’s on the other 3rd Street.”

Logan raised an eyebrow.

“The courthouse splits the street in two, but instead of renaming the pieces into East 3rd and West 3rd, they kept two separate roads with the same name,” explained Patton.

“That seems unnecessarily complicated. Wouldn’t it have saved time and effort to rename the streets?”

“You would think.” Patton picked up his coffee. “Anyway, you’re just on the wrong 3rd.”

“I’m supposed to tutor a class there in half an hour! How far away is it?” Logan’s mind started churning, trying to come up with adjustments to the plan he had carefully crafted for the day.

“No worries, it’s about a 15 minute walk from here. I’m actually headed that way myself, I can walk you there if you’d like,” Patton said, holding the door open.

Logan’s heart skipped a beat. “I would appreciate that. Knowing myself, I’d just get lost again.”

Patton chuckled. “You can’t miss it. It’s a straight shot from here.”

“That’s never really been my strong suit, either.”

Patton laughed again, really laughed. Head back, eyes closed, and Logan flushed with pride, knowing that Patton’s laughter was because of him. They talked easily the whole walk, and when Logan reached his destination, they exchanged numbers.

“Just in case you have any more navigation troubles,” Patton explained.

They both knew it wouldn’t be used just for navigation help.

After that, they were inseparable. Nobody really expected it to last long, least of all the two of them. From the outside, it was an interim relationship; someone to vent to after a long day, to bring as dates to other people’s weddings. But as one year passed, then two, they continued strong.

Logan’s friends would say that he was happiest when Patton was around. Friends of Patton would say Logan brought the best out of him. Even though they seemed to be complete opposites, they fit together naturally and comfortably.

Logan had wondered many times over if the situation would have changed had they taken their bond more seriously when they first met. If they hadn’t dismissed their differences as opposites attracting, if they had taken action to resolve the conflictions early on or if they had decided to part ways earlier, if they made sure they wanted the same things out of their futures. If.

If only.

Logan would talk about the different apartments, homes, condos he could inhabit in big cities across the country, and Patton never even thought to mention wanting to stay put and live close to his family. Patton would mention how he’d raise his future kids and Logan only thought about how much easier it would be for him when he didn’t have to deal with taking care of children.

But when they realized they couldn’t fit into each other’s envisioned futures, it was too late. They were both too far gone.

Logan tried to ignore it. Still, there was this constant nagging voice in the back of his head, telling him that the longer he put off dealing with their problems, the harder it would hit when they inevitably came to it.

It wasn’t until Logan saw it start to affect Patton that he knew he had to get out. He couldn’t stand seeing Patton so unhappy. Logan knew what Patton wanted, and he would never take away an opportunity for him to have it. And since Logan wasn’t willing to give up what he wanted, he knew the only way to give them both a chance at happiness was to remove himself from the equation.

So, when Patton was out of the apartment for the day, Logan took out two suitcases and started packing. He wrote a note explaining everything to Patton and left it in the kitchen. He decided to leave quickly, quietly, and cleanly. Rip off the Band-Aid. It was the option that would hurt the least.

Or it would have been, had Patton not come home early.

Logan stacked his immaculately folded clothes into his suitcase. His heart was pounding, but he forced himself to focus on the task at hand. He hadn’t heard the front door open, so he jumped when Patton burst into the room, holding the note from the kitchen.

A beat passed as they locked eyes. Logan stared at him like a deer in headlights, trying not to shrivel up at the worry, betrayal, and unfallen tears in his gaze.

Patton was the first to break the silence. “You’re leaving and you’re telling me with a note? You’re not even going to break up with me in person?”

Logan tore himself away from Patton’s stare and gathered up the last of his clothes. “It was the easiest way to do this.”

“It’s not the easy way, it’s the cowardly way! Logan, why are you leaving?!”

Logan bit his lip as tears welled in his eyes. He couldn’t break now, because if he broke in front of Patton he’d convince him to stay.  
And Logan wouldn’t do that to Patton.

“This isn’t going to work. We’ve ignored our differences for too long. We never should have let it go this far.” Logan tried not to be too harsh, but if Patton hated him a little bit afterwards, maybe he wouldn’t miss Logan so much.

“What do you mean it isn’t going to work?” Patton asked, his first tear falling. “We’ve made it work for four years!”

“And we can’t go much longer!” Logan put his head back. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid. “We want different things. We can’t keep pretending like we’ll stay happy forever when we don’t envision the same future.”

Patton now had his arms wrapped around himself, tears streaming down his face. “Logan, _please_ –“

“You want a big wedding, this huge celebration with all your friends and family, and I want a small, intimate ceremony! You want a house full of pets, and I only think I could handle a cat, but you’re allergic! You want to stay here so you can be close to your family and I want to travel and experience living in different places! You need someone who works a nine to five and has weekends off and I need someone who understands I can’t control my hours! You want kids and that terrifies me!”

“We don’t need to have any of that! I’ll change, if that’s what you want. Is that what it’ll take to get you to stay?!”

“No!” Logan finally turned to look at Patton. “I don’t want to change you! I want you to find someone who’ll give you what you want! I want you to have a life where you have what makes you happy, and I can’t give that to you. I’d never forgive myself if I took that possibility away from you!”

Patton shook his head incredulously. “Logan, _you_ make me happy! Why won’t you believe that I would give up all that to be with you?”

Logan picked up both his suitcases and walked out of the bedroom. “I won’t make you happy if you give up what you want for me. I promise, this is for the best.”

Patton stood in his way, the complexion so often smiling being morphed by his heartache. “Why do you get to decide what’s best for me?! Logan, _please_, don’t go!”

Logan pushed past Patton as the tears he had been holding back finally fell. He stopped at the doorway.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out. Patton said nothing, and as the door shut behind Logan, he sobbed, sinking to his knees.

As soon as Logan left the apartment, he completely fell apart. He walked through the lobby of his apartment building, tears blurring his vision and coating his cheeks. Drenched inside and out from the sorrow and the rain outside, he threw his bags into the trunk of his car and collapsed on the steering wheel, shaking and sobbing and hurting, hurting so completely and throughout his entire body. Logan could literally feel every part of him aching with the pain.

He let himself grieve for a few minutes. He then forced himself to breathe and calm down. When he felt stable enough to drive, he put his key into the ignition and started the car.

Logan thought about all the times he had left this building early in the morning, leaving breakfast on the table and a kiss on a sleeping Patton’s forehead. He forced the memory out of his mind and kept driving until he could no longer see the past he was leaving behind.


	2. Dreams Fade Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton remembers his first date with Logan and what happened after Logan left. Logan reunites with Patton four years after their breakup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely fall-sunflowers on tumblr for being my beta reader!!
> 
> Song rec: Date by RADWIMPS
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated :)

“So, hey, uh, would you like to go out sometime?”

Patton looked up from his iced coffee. He had known Logan for a little over two weeks, and it was the fifth time they had gotten breakfast together before walking over to the center Logan tutored at. Patton didn’t really believe Logan needed navigational help every single time he had to get there, but Patton was happy to spend more time with him.

The two sat at an outdoor table from the coffee shop they met in, not two feet from where they first slammed into each other. Across the table, Logan looked at Patton with flushed cheeks and nervousness in his eyes. Patton thought it was adorable that he would be nervous about asking him out. But, to be fair, Patton had expected Logan to take much longer to actually do it.

“Yeah, I’d love to.” Patton grinned reassuringly, not wanting Logan to stay anxious for long. Even if it was cute.

Logan tried to keep his expression neutral, but his eyes lit up. “Oh, okay, great.” He fiddled with the lid on his coffee. “Are you free tonight?”

“I get off work at five, but I’m free anytime after that.”

Logan smiled pleasantly. “Great. I’ll pick you up at 6:30?”

“Sure!” Patton pulled out his phone as they threw away their empty cups and started walking. “I’ll text you my address. Although, be warned, my roommate is very protective of me. He’s going to want to meet you before I go anywhere with you.”

“That’s fine. I’m sure I can handle it.”

They walked the same trip that they had made several times before, but Patton could feel that the dynamic had changed. While it was a little awkward, they were more relaxed with each other. And Logan had this little blushy grin the whole time, which was an excellent addition to Patton’s morning.

Patton thought he had been keeping his crush under control, but even after they parted ways, Patton couldn’t keep his mind off Logan for the rest of the day.

That evening, Patton stood at the sink in the bathroom, fussing with his hair. It always seemed extra difficult to take care of when he needed it to cooperate.

He wasn’t nervous for his date, he wasn’t worried about looking absolutely amazing. He knew Logan wouldn’t care what he looked like. Still, he wanted to look nice.

_For whatever reason_, he thought to himself, grinning.

Patton’s roommate had helped him pick out an outfit, since he knew more about fashion anyway. Roman had been his personal stylist since freshman year of college, and Patton wasn’t going to complain about continuing to get free fashion advice. Patton wore a blue, white, and gray plaid button down and khakis. He had washed his face, borrowed some of Roman’s cologne, and even cleaned off his glasses with lens cleaner. Despite pretending not to be nervous, he meticulously made sure he looked the absolute best he could without looking like he spent so much time doing it.

Except for his hair.

Several minutes into fighting with it with a comb and water, Patton heard the doorbell ring. He let Roman answer the door, just sweeping his bangs to the side and spitting out some gum.

He walked into the living room of his apartment, where Roman was not-so-subtly interrogating Logan. Patton couldn’t help but grin when he saw Logan, managing to hold his own against Roman, who had 3 inches and at least 50 pounds on him. Logan was relaxed, professional, and suave in a long sleeve black button down and blue tie, and Patton could tell Roman was impressed, though he’d never let Logan know that.

Logan saw Patton enter the room and his professional façade immediately crumbled. He broke into the biggest grin, and Patton hoped his own face wasn’t as red as it felt.

Out of the corner of his eye, Patton saw Roman smirk with pride at the outfit he had picked out. Logan looked him up and down, too, and Patton found himself messing with his bangs again.

“Hey.” Patton smiled warmly.

“Hey,” responded Logan. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah, let me just grab my phone.” Patton crossed to the other side of the room while Roman continued to question Logan.

“So where are you guys headed tonight?” Roman crossed his arms and stared Logan down.

Logan stared right back. “The new Italian restaurant that just opened up downtown. I’m friends with the owner, so I was able to get a reservation during the dinner hour on short notice.”

Patton hid a smile as Roman involuntarily raised his eyebrows. He knew Logan had chosen a fancy restaurant to treat Patton, but it was hilarious to see him throw Roman off.

Patton and Logan walked into the hallway as Roman told them to have fun and not to stay out too late. He tried to sound stern, but shot Patton an encouraging smile before the door was closed.

“So, you’ve only lived here for a few weeks. How have you already made friends with recreational advantages?” asked Patton as they walked to Logan’s car.

Logan smiled as he opened the passenger door for Patton. “The restaurant owner is the mother of one of my students.”

Patton grinned as Logan climbed into the front seat and started the car. “You handled Roman pretty well. I think he was impressed.”

“Well, it’s clear he cares a lot about you,” said Logan. “I knew that as long as I made sure he knew I also care about you, he would approve.”

Patton felt his face and chest get warm. Logan continued. “I’d like to know, though; why is he so protective of you? Has he…disliked people you’ve been with previously?”

Patton took a breath. “Not me. Roman was in a pretty bad relationship in college, so he’s wary of most of the people interested in either of us.”

Logan nodded. “Reminds me of my roommate. Maybe they’d be good together.”

“You’re roommate’s name is Virgil, right?” asked Patton.

“Yes.”

“Didn’t you say he was straight?”

Logan smirked at Patton, shaking his head. “Virgil might _think_ he’s straight.”

Patton laughed. He and Logan kept talking, and Patton had no idea why he was so nervous before. He also had no idea why he was _still_ nervous. He hoped Logan was also nervous, but Logan showed no signs of anxiety.

The sun beamed from behind puffy clouds onto Logan’s face as they drove. His blue tie made the blue in his eyes brighter and sharper. Logan mentioned at one point that he liked a song on the radio, and even though Patton had never heard of it, he decided he loved it too.

The evening was wonderful. Although the nervousness in Patton’s stomach never went away, he still became more and more comfortable with Logan as the night went on. Logan insisted on paying for dinner, as he had asked Patton out. They took a walk downtown afterwards and Patton bought them both ice cream, since he had agreed to the date.

Patton showed Logan around the city, to the places he knew Logan would never find out about on his own or never have the time to go to otherwise. As they walked out of the ice cream parlor, Logan looked in amazement at the fairy lights strung between buildings and the tastefully modern gondola running through town. Patton reached down, lacing his fingers with Logan’s, and Logan turned and gave such a pure smile Patton thought he would melt.

Walking around, holding hands with Logan, Patton didn’t want the night to end. But as the sun went down and the sky faded to indigo, he knew they should probably be heading home.

The drive back to Patton’s apartment was still relaxed, but Logan was antsy. When they stopped in the doorway to Patton’s building, he realized why.

“So, um, I had a really great time tonight,” said Logan, fidgeting with his sleeve.

“Me too.” Patton smiled. “Let’s do this again soon.”

“Of course.” Logan looked up at Patton, smiling nervously. He held his gaze, intensely, intimately, in a way that completely eliminated Patton’s nerves all at once. But he didn’t move.

A moment passed. Logan looked down. He cleared his throat. “Um, well. Goodnight.”

Patton stepped forward and pressed his lips to Logan’s. Logan put one hand on the side of Patton’s face and the other on his arm. Patton rested his hand against Logan’s chest. Time stood still for one moment, and Patton could feel his heart pounding and every single nerve in his body lighting up. Heat rushed through him, from his head to the ends of his fingers down to his feet and into the ground. He felt Logan smile against his mouth, which made Patton smile back.

Just for one moment, all he could focus on was Logan, the smell and taste and _presence _of him, and the rush of emotion flowing throughout Patton’s veins. In that one moment, everything was perfect.

They broke apart, Logan’s eyes fluttering open after a few seconds. Logan grinned, breathless.

“Goodnight,” whispered Patton, holding onto Logan’s hand.

“Goodnight.”

Patton stepped away, letting their hands pull apart. He pulled into his apartment, unable to stop smiling as he closed the door.

Logan, still grinning, took a deep breath, red fading from his cheeks, as he tried to get his heart to settle down. He stared at the apartment door for a moment before turning down the hallway and walking away.

~

Patton laid in bed, no longer crying but feeling like he could start again any minute. Roman was next to him, one arm around his shoulders, stroking his hair, telling him how everything was going to be okay. Patton barely registered the words and he didn’t care.

Virgil paced around outside the bedroom door with his phone to his ear. Every time the call went unanswered, he typed something out angrily on his phone and tried again.

After about 20 minutes, Virgil came back into the room and shook his head at Roman, who pursed his lips.

Patton wasn’t oblivious. He knew they were trying to reach Logan. Apparently neither of them had seen it coming, either.

Patton could tell Roman was pissed. He clearly was upset that Logan had hurt Patton so badly. But there was something else there, too. Roman and Logan hadn’t become the best of friends over the years. But they were still close, and Roman probably felt betrayed.

Virgil was definitely frustrated, but he seemed more sad than anything else. He had been Logan’s best friend since high school. It had to have hurt that Logan never even told him he was planning to uproot his entire life and leave everyone he loved behind.

Virgil came and sat down next to the bed. “Can you tell us again what happened?”

Patton sighed and sat up. “I came home and…and I found that note. And he was packing a suitcase.” Patton felt his chest start to get tight again, and he paused so his voice wouldn’t crack. “He told me we wanted different things, and…”

Patton sniffed. “He said it was for the best that he left. So I could…find happiness with someone else, or something.”

Roman tensed behind him. He pressed Patton’s head against his shoulder, and a few escaped tears ran hot down Patton’s face.

Virgil looked down at the floor. Nobody moved for what felt to Patton like a large expanse of time. It could have only been a few minutes. He couldn’t tell.

Virgil’s phone screen lit, and he jumped up and left the room to answer it. Patton felt like a lead ball had formed in his stomach.

Roman stayed next to him. “This was a complete dick move. I thought he was more mature than this. If he can’t even talk through something of this magnitude, you’re probably better off without him anyway.”

Patton leaned into his shoulder. “You aren’t helping, Roman.”

“I’m sorry.” Roman took a deep breath as Patton closed his eyes. “I just hate seeing you like this. Especially when I know I can’t do anything about it.”

Virgil walked past the bedroom door, phone to his ear. Patton saw Roman grab his attention after a minute and tell him, nonverbally, to give him the phone.

Virgil muttered under his breath, “Um, I think Roman wants to talk to you.”

Virgil looked back at Roman and shook his head. Roman nodded sternly. Virgil sighed and mumbled something else into the phone. He walked back into the bedroom, handing the phone off to Roman as he stood up and walked into the hallway.

Patton could hear Roman whisper-yelling something from the other room, but he couldn’t make out what it was.

Virgil looked at Patton earnestly. The look in his eyes was so intense and genuine, Patton was frozen in place. “I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.”

The emotion started welling up inside him again. “Thanks,” he croaked, turning his face away.

Roman came back into the room, lips pressed tightly together. He and Virgil stepped out into the hallway, and Patton listened closely so he could hear.

“I think I better stay here tonight,” whispered Roman. “Go ahead home, you might have better luck talking to Logan later.”

“You sure? I can stay.”

“No, it’s alright. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Virgil looked back into the room at Patton, then nodded. He gave Roman a quick kiss on the cheek. Patton heard the front door shut behind him as Roman came back into the bedroom.

They didn’t talk much the rest of the night. Roman went to sleep on the floor next to the bed. Patton couldn’t sleep. He could barely remember the last time he had slept alone. He kept reaching over, hoping every time to feel someone else on the other side of the bed. And each time, he grasped cold sheets.

Roman had a show rehearsal early afternoon the next day, so in the morning, he made sure Patton would be okay, and left.

Patton was actually relieved to be completely solitary. He no longer felt like he had to hide how much he was hurting so he didn’t worry his friends. He felt like he was able to grieve in a way that would ultimately help him feel better.

But he didn’t.

He wasn’t able to cry anymore, so he just felt hollow and fragile. He didn’t have much energy, so he stayed in bed most of the time.

Every once in awhile, Patton got out of bed, but it took most of his energy, so he spent most of his time mindlessly watching television in bed or sleeping. He spent a lot of time sleeping.

It wasn’t long before Roman and Virgil came back to check on him. Patton was still in bed, listening to sad music from his phone and watching the minutes change on the clock on his nightstand.

Roman knocked lightly on the already ajar door. “Hey, Patton. How’re you doing?”

Patton sat up slowly and ran his hand through his hair. “Fine,” he mumbled.

Virgil poked his head in the room. “Are you still wearing the clothes from the other night?”

Patton looked down. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Roman and Virgil exchanged a worried glance. “Have…you gotten out of bed since I left?” asked Roman.

“Not much, but yeah. Why? It hasn’t been that long.”

“Patton, that was three days ago.” Roman came and sat next to Patton on the bed. “Have you been eating?”

Patton gestured to a mostly full box of crackers on the nightstand. “I haven’t really been that hungry.”

Virgil came over and knelt in front of Patton. “This isn’t healthy, man. You’ve got to take care of yourself.”

“I’m just really tired,” Patton mumbled, knowing he just also didn’t have the motivation to do anything. And it didn’t help to have his friends hovering over him like he would break at any moment.

Roman stood up. “Get dressed. We’re going grocery shopping.”

Patton sighed. “I have groceries.”

“There’s almost nothing in your fridge, and you’ll need something there when you get back on your feet. Which will start with you getting up, taking a shower, and doing something mundane.” Roman pulled a clean towel out of the dresser and tossed it to Patton.

“I don’t need help to go grocery shopping, Roman,” Patton said. “And I really just want to be alone right now.”

“Then we’ll go with you to the store, and Roman and I will shop around the plaza for awhile,” Virgil piped up. “Then you can get us when you’re done, and we’ll grab lunch or something.”

Patton rested his head on his fist. “I’m also not interested in third-wheeling you guys.”

Virgil rolled his eyes as Roman said, “Come on, just come with us. You’ve got to get out of this house. It’ll be good for you.”

Patton didn’t want to, but eventually, he was up and out of bed, drying off from a shower, and putting fresh clothes on. He ran a comb through his hair. And he had to admit, just by doing that, he felt the best he had in days.

Virgil and Roman dropped him off at the grocery store and walked down the sidewalk, telling him to text them when he was finished. After they had walked away, Patton looked back at them, getting a twinge in his stomach as they joined hands, fingers laced.

Patton wandered through the store, not looking for much. He did realize along the way that there were actually quite a few items he needed. He was glad he had gone out then, instead of finding out he needed something later.

Patton finished shopping quickly. He pulled out his phone to text Virgil, then put it down. He knew that the sooner he texted them, the sooner he’d have to go home. Roman was right, getting out of the apartment helped. But it was more than that. Patton couldn’t go back and be alone. The absence Logan had left behind was suffocating, and the apartment just felt too huge for Patton to stay in by himself.

So he put his bags in Roman’s trunk and walked over to a nearby café.

The shop was deserted, for which Patton was grateful. He ordered his drink and sat down at the end of the bar.

“Iced white mocha,” said the barista, setting the drink down. Patton grabbed it and thanked him. He sat back down and took a sip, stare blank.

The barista looked at him, eyes slightly narrowed. “Hey, you okay, man?”

Patton looked up at him. “Yeah, yeah. It’s just been a…long week.”

The barista nodded. A beat passed. “Wanna talk about it?”

Patton’s eyebrows raised. “I’m a good listener,” the man added.

“Don’t you have to, like…work?” asked Patton.

The barista looked around the empty café. “We’ve been slow all day. And you look like you want to get something off your chest.”

Patton wasn’t planning to accept. But when he looked at the man, Patton could tell that he was completely genuine, that he actually wanted to comfort a stranger who needed it. And Patton was so charmed and warmed by that, he let out everything he had been keeping in over the past few days.

The barista was unbelievably sweet and didn’t judge Patton at all for venting to a stranger. He let Patton talk about the things he knew he couldn’t talk about with his friends, he comforted Patton and helped him feel better. When Patton left, he felt okay for the first time in days.

It was a few weeks later when Patton met the man again, on accident. They talked for awhile, the man was glad Patton felt better. Then they parted ways.

The third time they met was only partially on accident. Patton couldn’t stop thinking about the barista who would spend time and emotional energy comforting him at his lowest. He went back to the café at approximately the same time he had gone in at first, hoping the man would be there, and he was. Patton ordered his coffee, talked with him while he worked, and when Patton left, the man was excited that he had been able to get Patton’s number.

The fourth time they met, it was on purpose.

~

Logan’s mouth hung open. Across from him, Patton grinned, eyes alight. Logan couldn’t believe how much Patton had changed over the last few years. His hair was short enough that it wasn’t very curly anymore. Patton had gotten even tanner, and he had put on muscle.

Logan tried to hide his blushing.

Patton exhaled in unbelief. “I can’t believe it’s really you.”

Logan felt like his mouth was filled with cotton. “Likewise.”

Patton stepped forward, arms open, and Logan obliged, holding onto Patton tightly. They broke away after a minute, Logan’s skin tingling from where they had touched.

“It’s great to see you,” said Logan. “How have you been?”

Patton’s smile faded as he opened his mouth, then closed it again and put his smile back on. “I’ve been good. How about you?”

“Good, yeah, thanks.” Logan looked down, searching for something else to say. An apology, maybe? Or was that too sudden? Was Patton waiting for an apology, or would that just dig up memories better left forgotten? Before Logan even recognized he was about to speak, he blurted out, “Do you want to get some coffee?”

Logan immediately chastised himself. He shouldn’t have been trying to put himself back in Patton’s life; the whole reason Logan left was so Patton could have a chance at happiness without him.

But Logan realized how much he craved Patton’s presence. He would do anything to spend just a little more time together, even if he knew it would only bring back a bad taste in both their mouths. And Logan finally came to the conclusion he had been trying to ignore for years.

He had never gotten over Patton.

Patton raised an eyebrow and pointed at the to-go cup in Logan’s hand. “Don’t you already have some?”

Logan looked at down at his hand. Whoops. “It’s almost gone, and anyway, I could use some more caffeine.”

Patton inhaled, then grinned. “Yeah, sure.”

Logan’s heart skipped a beat.

They walked side-by-side back to the nearest coffee shop, where the crowd of people outside had all but disappeared. Logan grabbed a corner table while Patton went to the front counter to place the order. He came back with two coffees. Logan took a sip, burning his tongue a little. He looked up at Patton.

“You remembered.”

“Well, yeah,” laughed Patton. “I used to order for both of us all the time. Your usual is burned into my brain.”

Logan smiled despite himself. He took another sip as Patton put his cup down.

“So, what’s been going on with you?” asked Patton.

“Well, I teach high school now, instead of just tutoring,” said Logan. “History. And you were absolutely right, having regular weekly hours and weekends off really suits me.

Patton laughed, light and airy, head back a little, and Logan thought that Patton really hadn’t changed at all. “Is it too mean to say I told you so? I always knew you would make a great teacher.”

Logan grinned. “No, I deserve it. I really enjoy what I do, and I might not have done it if you never told me I should.”

Patton smiled and sat up straighter. Logan couldn’t believe how effortless it was to be together again. He was worried the interaction would be awkward, stale, full of words unable or unwilling to be spoken. But it was as if the four years they were apart had never happened. Logan took in the sight of Patton, tried to memorize every little detail about this moment. He never thought he would see Patton again, and although there was still that nagging voice in his head telling him to get out of there immediately, Logan stayed, constantly exhilarated, unable to take his eyes off of Patton.

“So, what about you? What’s been going on in your life?”

Patton smiled again, but he started fidgeting with his coffee cup. “I’m now working as the general manager at a consignment store in the city, which has turned out to be way more fun than I thought. It’s…cool, to have management power in retail.”

Logan smirked. “I can imagine. You’ve always been good with people.”

“I’m still living downtown, but I’m getting ready to move about half an hour upstate, to Dacusville. And…” Patton hesitated, looking down at his hands.

“What is it?” Logan asked after a moment, a little humorously, more with concern than amusement.

Patton finally looked up, smiling breathlessly. “I’m getting married.”

Logan felt like he’d been punched in the gut. The air in his lungs was forced out and he couldn’t catch his breath.

For just a minute, time stopped. All Logan could see was Patton staring at him. Patton wanted Logan to be happy for him. Logan refused to hurt Patton by suggesting that he wasn’t.

So as time resumed, Logan put on a big grin. “That’s…that’s really great! Congratulations, Patton.”

Patton sighed, looking relieved. “Thanks. I’m really excited.”

“Of course,” Logan said. “Who is he?”

“His name is James.” Patton pulled out his phone and brought up his Instagram page, turning the screen so Logan could see the picture. James was shorter than Patton, pale white skin, and thick black hair. They were dressed nicely, standing in front of a poster that Logan recognized as a show Roman had been in a few years before.

A few _years_.

But the worst part of the picture was Patton. He gazed at James the way he used to gaze at Logan, like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. Like he couldn’t imagine seeing anything else. And James just beamed into the camera, like he didn’t even know how lucky he was to be loved by Patton.

But Patton was still smiling as he put his phone away, and Logan remembered that this was what he wanted for Patton. He had found someone who made him happy, someone who he could spend his life with and not give up his dreams.

So Logan refused to hate James. He couldn’t do that to Patton.

Logan barely registered Patton talking, but tried to focus back in. “I know you would really like him, Logan. And I know this might be weird, but it would mean a lot to me if you came to the wedding.”

Logan raised his eyebrows. “Really? Why?”

“Well, you’ve always meant a lot to me. I always hoped that if we ever broke up, we would still be friends. Besides, the others really miss you and I know they’d love to see you again.”

Logan looked down. “I’ve missed them too.”

“So you’ll come?”

_No. Say no. You know there’s no way you can go to that wedding. Make up an excuse, say anything. You’re not going. You can’t go._ But Logan looked up at Patton, saw the hopefulness throughout his face, and reminded himself that all he ever wanted was for Patton to be happy. And if Logan going to his wedding would make him happy, he would go. Even if it crushed him.

Logan smiled, hoping it didn’t look too strained. “Absolutely.”

Patton’s face lit up, which almost made up for the sudden heaviness in Logan’s chest. He let Patton put his new number into Logan’s phone before they parted.

Patton hugged Logan goodbye, and Logan held on just as tightly as before. He watched Patton walk down the street until he disappeared around the corner. Logan took a deep breath, reminded himself of the items on his mental to-do list, and began the slow process of rebuilding his barrier.


	3. The Courage of Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan remembers a date he had with Patton. Patton tells James he reunited with Logan. Logan meets James at a party. Patton remembers one of his earliest dates with James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to the exquisite xionbean on tumblr for being my beta reader!
> 
> Song rec: Saturn by Sleeping at Last
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated :)

The date was Patton’s idea.

The weather was perfect, clear skies and chilly temperatures. Neither of them had anything to do the next morning, so they could stay out as late as they wanted.

They took a picnic basket, a blanket, a handheld telescope, and a bottle of wine and drove out to the natural hills of the region, to escape as much light pollution as possible. They ate dinner at sunset. Then, when the stars came up, Logan searched the sky for what they were looking for.

Apparently, that night was supposed to have the best conditions for seeing Saturn in months, and the last time it would be that good for years.

Logan always thought his fascination for astronomy was the nerdiest thing about him, so he generally avoided letting people know how much he enjoyed it. But, having spent so much time with Patton over the past few months, it soon became evident.

Patton didn’t seem to think Logan was nerdy. He didn’t particularly share or understand all of Logan’s interests, but he let Logan rant about things he was passionate about, or did little things to make sure Logan knew he wasn’t weird.

Things like planning a stargazing date so Logan could see Saturn before it disappeared.

The sun sank behind the horizon. The sky faded from a gradient rainbow, enveloping the world in a blue sheet. Logan’s heart sped with excitement as the night got darker, and he couldn’t seem to stop himself from talking. Patton stared at him, mesmerized, as Logan went on and on about the rarity and beauty of the universe and life.

“…so not only is the chance of the universe _existing_ infinitesimal, the fact that we are here to see it is absolutely unbelievable,” he said excitedly. “The odds of your parents meeting, staying together, and having a child with your precise genetic sequence is one in four hundred quadrillion. The chances of all of your ancestors going through that pattern, just for you to be here, is one times ten to the two million, six hundred forty thousandth power. That’s a one with over two and a half _million _zeroes behind it!”

Logan, eyes wide and smile bright, looked at Patton, who was still staring at him amusedly. “The chances of us existing are so tiny, and yet, we’re still here. And we’re able to see _this_.” He gestured up into the sky, where the stars had begun to rise.

Patton linked his arm around Logan’s and grabbed his hand. “So we don’t just get to exist, but we get to exist together. And at the same time.”

Logan grinned. Of course Patton would find a way to make science romantic.

Patton looked up. “What else can you tell me?”

“Hm?”

Patton giggled. “I want to hear more. What else can you tell me, about space, or astronomy, or…existence?”

Logan cocked his head, smiling. “You _want _to hear more?”

“Well, yeah. I don’t really understand much of it, but I really like seeing how excited you are when you talk about stuff like this.”

Logan looked into the sky, which was finally starting to be blanketed in stars. After a moment, he pointed up. “That constellation is called Draco, it’s one of my favorites. According to legend, it’s representative of the dragon Ladon, which guarded the golden apples in the gardens of the Hesperides.”

Logan continued to point out constellations, leaning back against the ground. Patton laid down under Logan’s arm, resting his head on Logan’s chest.

“So, where’s Saturn?” asked Patton after a couple minutes.

“It’s supposed to look like a bright golden star. If I’m correct, it should be about…”

Logan searched the sky. After a moment, he pointed straight up.

“There.”

Patton looked up, astonishment written across his face. Then, he squinted.

“Where is it?”

Logan chuckled and sat up. He handed the telescope to Patton. “Look right up there,” he pointed, “And you should be able to see the rings.”

Patton put the telescope to his eye and looked again. After a moment, he gasped lightly.

“Wow.”

“I know.” Logan laid back down, and after looking at the planet a moment, Patton put the telescope down and went back under Logan’s arm. Logan pressed his lips to the side of Patton’s head.

Logan whispered stories and facts about stars and planets, until Patton finally fell asleep, curled up on Logan’s chest. Logan couldn’t sleep. He watched the stars overhead, listening to Patton’s breathing and stroking his hair, struggling to breathe in the best way possible.

~

“I’m home!” Patton unlocked the door to his apartment and walked into the kitchen. From around the corner, James walked into the room.

“Hey.” James smiled warmly and leaned up to kiss Patton hello. Patton leaned his forehead against James’, and a few moments passed in silence before they broke apart.

“So, you’ll never guess who I ran into today,” Patton said as he opened up the refrigerator and grabbed a soda water.

James sat down at the couch and shuffled some papers. “Was it that guy from the supermarket?”

“No, but I almost wish it was.” Patton cracked open the top of his can. “No, it was Logan, actually.”

James’ head snapped up. “You mean Logan Schlenke?”

“Yep.” Patton sipped his drink.

“The Logan Schlenke you dated for four years and took you months to get over? The one you had just broken up with when we first met, who you told me you hadn’t been able to stop thinking about for weeks after we started dating?”

“That’s the one.”

James nodded slowly. “…That’s cool.”

Patton cocked his head to the side, smiling a little. “James, are you…_jealous_ of him?”

“I’d say I feel a little more threatened than jealous,” James said, cringing. He turned completely towards Patton.

Patton shook his head, laughing a little. He walked over and sat down right next to James, touching his shoulder lightly.

“James, we haven’t been together in _years_. He left. And you were here for me, and you always have been.” Patton trailed his fingers over James’ arm as he talked. James looked at him intensely, a tiny smile forming. “You don’t have to feel threatened. After so long, it was just…nice to see him.”

James held onto Patton’s hand, playing with his fingers and smirking. “I just know how much he meant to you. And I hate how much he hurt you.”

“He _used_ to mean everything to me. He doesn’t mean anything to me now,” said Patton. “And besides, if he hadn’t left, I never would have met you. You have nothing to worry about.”

James touched his lips to Patton’s knuckles. Patton remembered that he hadn’t asked James before asking Logan to come to their wedding. He never even considered the idea that James would have had some reservations.

“James…would you mind if I invited Logan to our wedding?”

James furrowed his brow. “You want him to come to the wedding?”

“Well, yeah. I’d hoped that we could be friends if we ever reconnected, and I thought the wedding might be a good way to start that off without any awkwardness,” said Patton.

James sighed. “Would it mean that much to you?”

Patton nodded.

James nodded back. “Then absolutely. I want you to be happy.”

Patton smiled. He decided James wasn’t hurt by not knowing that Logan had already been invited, so Patton figured it wasn’t something he needed to know.

James glanced at his watch. “Damn, I have to go.” He filed some papers into a bag and stood up.

Patton grabbed his hand and gently pulled James towards him, pressing their lips together. Patton breathed in and let himself be absorbed into the kiss. He laid his other hand on the side of James’ neck and curled his fingers into James’ hair. After a long moment, they broke apart.

“I love you,” whispered Patton.

“I love you.”

James smiled, picked up his bag, and left. Patton stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes, grinning.

~

Logan sat in his car, trying to calm himself down. He idled in the parking lot of Virgil and Roman’s apartment building, deciding if he should go in or if he should just drive away, text an apology to Patton and Virgil and go home.

A few days after he had seen Patton, he got a text from Virgil, saying Patton had given him Logan’s number. Logan was grateful to be able to catch up with Virgil after losing touch over the years he’d been gone. But Patton thought a good time for Logan to meet James would be at the party Roman and Virgil were hosting that night.

“It’s just a casual get-together, mostly in place of a wedding shower or something,” Virgil explained.

Logan was absolutely dreading it. Of course, he was excited to see his friends again. He was somewhat glad to get to meet James. But he knew it would be unbearably awkward.

After about ten minutes, Logan knew he had to go in. If Patton wanted him there, he had to be there.

He walked into the building and found the apartment number Virgil had texted him. Logan sat in hesitation for a moment, before finally knocking on the door.

It swung open almost immediately. Virgil stood in the doorway with a big smile, and Logan felt almost better just seeing him.

“Hey!” Virgil stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Logan. Logan grinned, returning the hug with equal excitement.

“It’s so great to see you!” Virgil said as they broke apart. “I’m so glad you could come.”

“Me too,” Logan lied as Virgil led him into the apartment. There were a few other people around, some of whom Logan recognized as old friends of Patton’s. From across the room he saw Roman talking to someone. For a split second, Logan was scared Roman was still mad at him, but Roman broke into a big smile when their eyes met, and he made his way over to Logan.

“Hey, man!” Roman hugged Logan, clapping him on the back. “It’s great to see you again.”

“You too,” Logan smiled, genuinely happy to see Roman. “How have you guys been?”

“Pretty great, actually.” Virgil smiled as Roman reached down and laced their fingers together. “How about you?”

Logan opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by someone else knocking on the door.

“We’ll talk later,” Roman smiled apologetically as he went to answer the door.

Virgil put a hand on his arm. “We’re waiting on a few people, Patton and James should be here any minute. There’s food and drinks over there, let me know if you need anything.”

Logan smiled at him as Virgil left to help Roman host. He looked around the room, nausea rising in his stomach. A girl he had met through Patton once smiled politely at him from across the room. Another guest he didn’t recognize looked away and started up a conversation with someone else when Logan saw them staring at him. Logan went over to the corner and pulled out his phone, continuously refreshing his Instagram feed.

A total of about a dozen guests showed up. Virgil and Roman split up and started making rounds. Finally, Patton opened up the door to the apartment, pulling James in behind him.

“Hey, sorry we’re late!” he said, giving Roman a hug. “Traffic was awful.”

James smirked and greeted a couple people near him. He spotted a table with some envelopes and small packages on them. “Wait, what’s this?” he asked, smiling.

“Guys, we said no gifts!” Patton laughed.

Logan couldn’t take his eyes off of them. Patton and James had such an easy dynamic between them, and it was clear everyone else knew that already. Logan couldn’t stop thinking about when _he _was the one whose hand Patton held, who everyone knew fit so easily with Patton.

He tried not to focus on those thoughts. No good would come from dwelling on the past. Patton was engaged, Logan could get over it.

Patton’s eyes swept the room, and when he landed on Logan, he smiled excitedly. Logan smiled politely back. Patton leaned over and said something to James, and James looked up, settling on Logan. He started making his way towards him as Patton started talking to someone else, glancing over to keep an eye on Logan.

Logan’s heart rate increased. He was hoping for some kind of distraction, but he knew eventually, he’d have to face James.

“Hi, you must be Logan,” he said, sticking his hand out. “I’m James. It’s nice to finally meet you.

“Likewise.” Logan forced a smile, shaking James’ hand. He had to admire James’ commitment. There was no way it was easy or comfortable to have Logan there.

Patton continued to eye them from across the room. James made polite conversation, and even from how little they talked, Logan could tell how much he cared about Patton. When James left to greet some other guests, Logan was glad to admit he liked him. It would have been really hard to be happy for Patton if he didn’t like his fiancé.

But throughout the night, Logan could feel eyes on him. Everyone on Patton’s side knew who he was and was wondering why he was there. Anyone on James’ side who didn’t know who he was found out as the night went on. Patton, Virgil, and Roman came up to him as much as they could, but they had to interact with everyone. It didn’t help that Logan was the only one who hadn’t thought to bring a gift, although he tried to tell himself that it was unlikely anyone noticed.

The night went on, and people started leaving. As Logan was looking for Roman or Virgil to thank them so he could go home as well, he bumped into James again.

“Oh, hey, I was looking for you,” he said.

Logan raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah.” James smiled. “I wanted to thank you for coming. I know this probably wasn’t a whole lot of fun, but Patton was really happy you came.”

Logan sighed. “Good.” A beat passed. “I’m sorry, though, for whatever discomfort I might have put into the evening.”

James waved it off. “You’re fine. I don’t think it was as bad as you might have thought.”

Logan smiled. “Thanks.”

James smiled again and walked away. Logan said goodbye to Roman and Virgil, and they made him promise to connect with them again soon, before the wedding. Logan laughingly agreed.

Logan drove home in silence, the half-processed thoughts rolling around in his head too deafening to address.

~

Patton laid on a blanket on the roof of James’ apartment, breath fogging in the crisp air as he looked up at the stars. Next to him, James was playing music out of his phone. He kept making up ridiculous constellations, pointing up to draw them out and explaining their equally ridiculous origins to make Patton laugh.

Patton stared into the sky as James grew quiet. He was content, they had had a nice night. A nice date. They mixed easily, and after only a few months, Patton was comfortable around him. But his chest felt tight, and he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, think about why. He blamed it on the cold.

James took a deep breath. “I just can’t get over how pretty the sky’s been recently. It’s so great to be able to come up here and watch the stars.” He turned to Patton. “I’m glad I got to show you.”

Patton didn’t respond. He kept staring into the sky, searching for a constellation he recognized. “You know, it’s actually really cool that we exist. There’s such a tiny chance that we do.”

James smiled. “Just how tiny?”

“There was a one in four hundred quadrillion chance that your parents would have gotten together and had _you_ for a child,” Patton said, smiling, even though the squeezing in his chest was getting tighter. “The chances of that happening with every one of your ancestors ends up being one to a number with more than two and a half million zeroes.”

“How do you know that?” James chuckled.

Patton sighed. “Logan told me that.”

And that was it. The contentedness Patton was holding onto by ignoring the obvious slipped away. The squeezing finally ceased and was replaced with a cold, lonely, emptiness. Patton sat up and squeezed his eyes shut.

The smile slid off James’ face. He sat up as well, and put a hand on Patton’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Patton mumbled. “I really, really want to make this work. It’s just…hard. Getting over him.”

“I get it.” James rubbed Patton’s shoulder gently. “You don’t have to be okay yet. He was a huge part of your life for so long. Nobody’s going to expect you to get over him so soon.”

Patton turned towards James as he kept talking. “Listen, I really like you. I want this to work, too. Nothing has to happen until you’re ready. I’ll be here for you when you need me. And I’ll wait for you.”

Patton almost cried as a surge of gratitude flooded through him. He nodded, worried he would break if he spoke.

James smiled. Patton laid back down on the blanket, and took a deep breath. James laid down beside him. After a moment, Patton reached over and took hold of James’ hand. He laced their fingers together, and James squeezed his hand.

Patton let the wave of sadness wash over him for a few minutes, James’ hand keeping him grounded. When the torrent was over, Patton still felt the warmth in James’ grasp, and he found the sadness washing away to reveal contentment once again.


	4. A Feeling That I Belonged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan thinks back to a happy memory with Patton. Logan has a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the marvelous thenewlarislynn on tumblr for being my beta reader!!
> 
> Song rec: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated :)

“Are you nervous?”

Logan squeezed the hand laced in his. “Nope.” He looked straight ahead, unsuccessfully concealing a waver in his voice.

Patton smiled and squeezed back. “You’ve got nothing to worry about, you know.”

“I know.”

Logan watched Patton take a breath next to him. The sun had gone down, the night wind blew straight through his jacket. The light above them bathed the porch in soft gold, illuminating the faded bricks of the house.

Patton inhaled. “You ready?”

Logan’s stomach twisted. “Yeah.” He turned to Patton. “Are you?”

Patton smiled softly. He rubbed his thumb over Logan’s forefinger. “No, I don’t think so. Not yet.”

The corners of Logan’s mouth turned up. He took a deep breath, hearing Virgil’s voice in his head. _In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Four, seven, eight. Four, seven, eight._

Logan turned back to Patton and nodded. Patton reached out and opened the front door, leading Logan in behind him.

As they walked through the foyer straight into the kitchen, Logan breathed in the smell of garlic and frying plantains. Patton never let go of his hand, and Logan already felt more at ease.

A tall man stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes while a woman cooked at the stove. Logan was astonished at how much she looked like Patton. She turned and broke into a smile.

“Hey, Mami.” Patton grinned and stepped towards her, enveloping her in a hug.

“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Rojas,” Logan said, smiling politely.

“Oh please, no need for formalities.” She reached out and hugged him as well, to Logan’s surprise. “It’s Mia and Diego.”

Diego shook his hand, beaming. “Logan, right?”

Logan nodded. “Pleased to meet you.”

The conversation continued with polite small talk, and Logan started to relax. He knew he was good with people, he knew it was illogical to be nervous about meeting Patton’s parents. And when he found himself starting to panic, Patton always seemed to notice and calmed him down by grabbing his hand or laying a palm on his arm.

They sat down to eat, and Logan could feel all three sets of eyes inconspicuously on him. He knew they were attempting to secretly gauge his reaction to the food. Luckily, he didn’t have to pretend to enjoy it. Logan expressed his admiration and gratitude and the Rojases glanced at each other, concealing a smile.

Somehow, as it always seemed to do, Logan found the conversation shifting to the topic that never ceased to come up.

Patton mentioned, in passing, being thankful for the support his parents had given him, and Logan by proxy. And suddenly, Logan was once again talking about his past.

“What about your parents, Logan?” asked Mia. “I hope you were given the support you needed.”

Logan nodded. “My mother was always very supportive.”

Diego raised his eyebrow. “Not your father?”

Patton jumped in. “Papi, I don’t think -”

Logan slid his hand into Patton’s under the table and squeezed. _It’s okay._ It would have come out naturally at some point anyway.

“I came out to my parents when I was twelve,” Logan said. “My mom was the religious one, so I assumed my father would have a better reaction. He didn’t. He probably would have kicked me out, but my mom wouldn’t let him. So he left.”

The Rojases nodded. Patton rubbed his thumb over Logan’s finger and glanced over, eyes full of concern and support.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” said Mia. Logan appreciated the lack of pity they gave him. The _aw, you poor baby_ routine was grating. Logan always felt invalidated, as if since it was fresh information for everyone else, he was supposed to let everyone else get comfortable before he was allowed to be over it. Yes, something unpleasant had happened to Logan. But he lived, and he had grown up. And that was what he found valuable.

“I hope you know that you’ll always have a place here, Logan.” Diego offered a warm smile, and Mia nodded. Logan couldn’t help the corners of his mouth going up as well, and Patton squeezed his hand.

“They liked you,” Patton said that night, smiling and climbing into bed beside Logan.

Logan sighed, and set down the book he had been trying to focus on for a few minutes. “Are you sure?”

“Of course!” Patton laughed. “My parents don’t have high standards for me. You clearly liked my mother’s mofongo, which is pretty much where the bar is for being welcomed into the family.” He leaned on his elbow and looked at Logan earnestly.

Logan rolled to face him. “I just don’t know what I’d do if they didn’t like me.”

Patton shook his head in amusement. “You’re adorable.” He took off his glasses and set them on the bedside table. Logan turned off the lamp on his side and lifted his arms so Patton could cuddle against his chest like he liked to. They stayed like that, quiet, intimate, and Logan focused on Patton’s breathing until it evened out.

“How can you be sure they liked me?” Logan whispered, thinking Patton had drifted off.

To Logan’s surprise, Patton pulled him closer. “I promise, I just can.”

Logan looked down and met Patton’s eyes. “But _how?_”

Patton sighed sadly. “Because you’re you. They know you love me. They know I love you. They trust me to pick someone who’ll be good for me. And besides, you were the perfect boyfriend tonight. Every parent’s dream suitor.”

Logan smiled. Patton reached up and laid his hand on Logan’s cheek. “But it wouldn’t matter if they didn’t like you. It wouldn’t influence me. I love you. Nothing’s gonna change that.”

Logan’s chest squeezed. “I love you, too.”

“I know.” Patton smiled. Logan pulled him back into his arms and Patton nuzzled his head under Logan’s chin. Logan pressed a kiss to the top of Patton’s head and let himself sleep peacefully.

~

Patton was getting married at the end of June.

The month before was hectic. It seemed like every day was slipping away uncontrollably, but Logan also couldn’t get past it fast enough.

He tried to make time for his friends, but they were always busy with preparations. Besides, Logan knew he owed it to Virgil to maintain a friendship, but he had only met Roman through Patton, and he couldn’t imagine many people stayed close with their ex’s friends post-breakup. Though he assumed most people didn’t go to their ex’s weddings either. Not that he would know any of it for sure.

And he didn’t want to dig anything up with Patton. Nothing good could come from spending prolonged periods of time with him.

Patton had clearly shown the extent of his feelings towards Logan after leaving him a drunken voicemail the night of his bachelor party, thanking Logan for being such a wonderful and understanding friend. Logan pretended he never heard the message when Patton texted him the next morning, mortified and apologetic.

But when Virgil actively sought him out for lunch, Logan ensured he was available. It couldn’t hurt to spend time with his friend. Except Virgil’s phone wouldn’t stop buzzing.

After the first few messages, Virgil sighed and picked it up. “I’m sorry, Logan. I’m emceeing the reception, and now that _some _people have found that out, they keep sending me song requests.”

Logan pressed his lips together. Everyone was constantly talking about the wedding. He couldn’t go a day without being reminded. And every day he grew more frustrated.

Virgil rapidly typed something out, pressed send, then turned his phone upside down on the table. “There, it’s on silent now. It won’t happen again.”

But it did. Virgil mentioned the wedding seven more times throughout the day. The rest of his friends talked about it non-stop. As the date crawled closer and closer, Logan felt it suffocating him more and more, and it became completely unavoidable. He almost believed everyone was trying to rub his face in the event.

A few days before the wedding, it finally hit Logan. _He_ wanted this wedding. He never thought he would want an extravagant celebration, he didn’t think he wanted the stress of so many people and so many things to plan. But Logan desperately wanted everything he had watched Virgil and Roman and Patton run around trying to plan over the last month. After realizing that, everything else came in rapid succession.

Patton was moving upstate. He wouldn’t be going far, but it was still away from the family and city he loved so dearly.

Logan had a stable job that he loved, that he wanted to keep working. He didn’t want to travel around so much and lose it.

Patton didn’t think he could adopt a pet. He didn’t have the time or the space for an animal he really wanted, and especially not if he would have to commute to work more often.

Logan worked steady hours every day and had weekends off, a schedule he never imagined having, let alone enjoying.

Each acknowledgement washed over him, one after the other. All at once, the air was forced out of his lungs as he finally realized.

They would have been _fine._

The reason Logan had left, the justification he had to remind himself of for years was crumbling. There was no need. They would have worked it out and Logan wouldn’t have had to watch Patton spend his life with someone else.

They were happy. _Logan_ was happy. He had told himself for years that leaving was for the best. They would both be able to live the lives they wanted. They would be happier.

Patton would be happier.

That’s all Logan really cared about, he decided. He was terrified he wasn’t enough for Patton. He knew that if Patton gave up his future to be with Logan, he would always feel responsible for ruining his life. He _knew_ Patton would resent him.

But Patton had plead with him, tears streaming down his face, arms wrapped around himself to try to physically hold back his heartbreak. _“Logan_, you_ make me happy! Why won’t you believe I would give all that up to be with you?”_ And Logan found himself asking the same thing. Why couldn’t he believe Patton? Why couldn’t he believe he was enough?

Patton was happy now. That was what was important. He had fallen in love again. He found someone who wanted the same things as him. Patton was going to get married and have his happily ever after and get everything he deserved.

_This is your fault,_ Logan told himself, gritting his teeth. _This is what _you_ deserve. You fucked up, these are the consequences. This is what you wanted, isn’t it?_

And yet, as much as he tried, Logan couldn’t stop thinking about Patton. Everything reminded him of when they were together. Every time he saw Patton, he ached to be the one on the other side of his hand. He kept dreaming of finally, once again, being Patton’s, only to wake up every morning with a gaping hole in his chest and the feel of his fingers running through Patton’s hair. He thought he would go insane.

Logan wanted to tell him.

He knew he would regret it. He knew it would almost certainly make the situation way more painful and complicated than it needed to be. He knew he would accomplish nothing but widen the rift between himself and Patton.

But Logan also knew that if reconciliation was anywhere near a possibility, it would be his only chance to achieve that.

Logan deliberated over it for days until he couldn’t take it anymore. Two nights before the wedding, he took a deep breath and made his decision. _It’s now or never._

Logan took a walk downtown. He knew exactly where Patton would be. He took the longest route he could think of.

Patton sat at a bench on the patio section of a restaurant that had closed for the night. Approaching from the side, Logan watched him watch the sleepy life of this secluded section of the city. A few stores were open, a few people wandered past here and there, but Patton had complete privacy from where he sat, content and full of love for everything and everyone around him. Logan took a deep breath and walked into his field of vision.

Patton turned to him and smiled. “Hey, what are you doing out here?”

“Just talking a walk. I wanted the fresh air.” Logan walked over and stood next to the bench. “Anything interesting happen yet?”

Patton nodded, grinning. “Two doves flew up into that tree, and the owner of the restaurant across the street looked really happy when he closed. The night’s not over yet, though.”

Logan nodded back, a lump in his throat. He swallowed, and looked back down at Patton, who met his gaze, eyes full of wonder. Logan took another deep breath. Before he could change his mind, Logan jumped.

“Can we talk?”


	5. Stumble and Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two nights before Patton's wedding, Logan confesses how he really feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to the cherished xionbean on tumblr for being my beta reader!!
> 
> Song rec: Say Something by A Great Big World
> 
> Sorry it's a little short this week. I promise next week's will make up for it in length!
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated :)

“Can we talk?”

Patton blinked. “Yeah, of course.” He stood up next to Logan, who was wringing his hands and avoiding Patton’s eyes. “What’s up?”

Logan opened his mouth, tried to force out the words he had spent hours perfectly crafting. But he couldn’t find them. He just stood there, mouth agape, trying to say anything. His heart hammered in his chest. Patton just stared at him with growing concern.

Logan’s stomach churned. He had figured this out. He had an explanation, a sincere apology, an open and accepting closing. He had planned it out, made sure it was as clean and comfortable as possible. Why couldn’t he say it?

“Logan, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” Logan looked at Patton, and when their eyes met, Patton’s widened the slightest bit. He took a breath and a step back. “Oh.”

Logan panicked. He jumped in so Patton couldn’t stop him before he said what he came to say. “I’m still in love with you.”

The façade shattered. Logan could almost see the fragments hit the floor. The silence that followed was thick and heavy in Logan’s chest. Half of him was relieved to finally say it, half wished he could take it back and pretend everything was fine again. Patton just looked at him, a little surprised, but mostly sad.

Logan rambled on. “I know I shouldn’t have waited until now to say it. I know I probably shouldn’t have said it at all. But I needed you to hear it, and I knew this would be my last chance, and I knew I’d always regret it if I never said anything.”

Patton still said nothing. He just continued to stare sadly.

“I didn’t expect anything to come from this,” Logan said. “I just needed to tell you.”

Patton finally spoke up. “Obviously, you hoped something would happen. Otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything at all.”

Logan shook his head. “I swear, I -”

“The only reason you would’ve wanted to tell me _now _would be in the hopes that something could happen, which…” Patton sighed, exasperated, and took a few steps back with his hands on his head. “It’s – It’s _understandable,_ Logan, just don’t lie to me. Or to yourself!”

Logan bit his lip, fighting back the prickling in his eyes. “You’re right. I’m so sorry. I just needed to tell you before I lost the chance.”

“I – I can’t do this right now.” Patton raked his hand through his hair. “_God_, Logan, do you have any idea what kind of position that puts me in?”

Nausea rose in Logan’s stomach. The floor swayed underneath him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Patton. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Well you did!” Patton cried. “You left! I _begged_ you to stay. You never said anything, you never gave us a chance to work it out. You packed up and left without any warning, and it _destroyed_ me!”

Logan hid the quiver in his lip. He refused to cry. The voice in the back of his head was ever-present. _You deserve this._

Patton shook his head to himself, eyes wide. “I couldn’t get out of bed for days. It took me _years_ before I could even think about you without crumbling. And James was there for me through all of it, and you weren’t!” He shrugged helplessly. “I can’t apologize for getting over you.”

The tears pooling in Logan’s eyes spilled over. “I’m…so sorry.”

Patton shook his head again. “For _what_, Logan?”

Logan’s breath caught in his throat and the tears continued to fall. “I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you. I made a huge mistake. And you deserved so much better.”

“That wasn’t the problem,” Patton said, pain written all over his face. “You never listened to me. You couldn’t believe you were good enough for me and so you refused to believe what I had to say about it. You were too blinded by your fears that I wouldn’t be happy, that I’d resent you, and you didn’t let me tell you that all I ever wanted, Logan…was _you_.”

Logan nodded, looking at the floor, unable to make eye contact as he managed to stop the flow of his tears. He bit his lip to keep himself together, knowing if he looked at Patton again he’d burst into tears.

Patton took a step closer. He lifted his hand, hesitated, and slowly reached out, taking hold of Logan’s hands in both of his.

“I can’t pretend like…like I don’t still feel something, too.” Patton fiddled with Logan’s fingers. “I don’t believe you ever _stop_ loving someone, once you do.”

He looked up, catching Logan’s gaze. “But I love James. I’m going to marry him.”

Logan nodded and sniffed, rubbing his thumbs over Patton’s hands. He took a breath. “Will you just…answer me one question?”

Patton looked at him, waiting. Logan choked on his words as he forced them out.

“Does he make you happy?”

Patton bit his lip, tears starting to well up. Finally, he nodded slowly. “Yes. More than anything.”

Logan nodded back, accidentally letting a few more tears drip down his face. “Good.” Logan sniffed. He tried to smile bravely, but knew it couldn’t have looked anything but painful. “Then…that will have to be enough for me.”

Logan took a breath, turned, and walked away. Patton called after him.

“Logan, wait.”

Logan turned around as Patton hooked his arm around the back of his neck. He pulled Logan’s head down until their lips locked.

Patton lifted his other hand and put it on the side of Logan’s face, curling his fingers into Logan’s hair. Logan, after a moment, wrapped his arms around Patton’s waist, grasping at the back of his shirt.

Logan couldn’t stop a few more tears falling, wetting his and Patton’s cheeks. He pulled Patton closer, fighting the guilt and euphoria pooling in his stomach, trying to get close enough to Patton to cancel out the distance they had been apart for so long. Every single part of him felt electric, charged; he hadn’t known how numb he had forced himself to be for so many years.

Patton was running his fingers through Logan’s hair, grounding him to his touch. Patton only let himself focus on the present. For just that short moment, he allowed everything to be perfect. He didn’t let guilt gnaw at his stomach, he didn’t think about anything except the arms holding him close and the lips moving against his. He breathed in the smell of Logan’s skin, the cologne he had worn for years, the hand sanitizer with which he was obsessed. He tasted the saltiness of their tears mixing. Every scent, every beat of Logan’s heart, every emotion bubbling up inside of Patton overwhelmed him, and he held on tight to Logan, the only thing keeping him together.

Patton continued pulling Logan’s head closer to him, and Logan tightened his hold, until Patton’s whole body was pressed up against him. He realized he was leaning so far back the only thing keeping him from falling backwards was Logan’s arms around his waist. Patton started to smile subconsciously against Logan’s mouth, before remembering exactly where he was and what was happening. Everything he had blocked out came rushing back, and the only thing strong enough to break him out of the kiss was the terrifying image of James finding them like this.

Patton pulled away, both of them gasping. His eyes opened after a moment. Patton regained his footing, but neither he nor Logan let go of the other. Logan looked into Patton’s eyes, intensely, brow furrowed, eyelashes sticking together with tears and almost brushing against Patton’s forehead.

“What was that?” whispered Logan.

Patton swallowed. He took a deep breath. “A better goodbye than either of us deserve.”

Logan nodded as his eyes began to burn again. He took his hands off Patton’s back, pressing his forehead against Patton’s, one palm rested on the side of his cheek. Logan allowed himself five seconds.

_One. _Logan felt Patton’s warm breath hitting against his cheek. _Two._ He took a deep breath, memorizing the moment, Patton’s hand in his, the intimacy of their foreheads touching.

_Three_. Logan felt Patton’s pulse on the palm of his hand. Patton bit his lip, brow furrowing to squeeze his eyes shut and prevent anything from leaking out.

_Four._ The churning emotions rose up his chest and into his throat, and Logan choked, unable to take a breath. His sinuses closed up and his face got hot.

_Five._

Without another word, Logan turned around and walked away just as the tears began streaming uncontrolled down his face. He covered his mouth to stifle his sobs and his breathing so Patton couldn’t see or hear him.

Patton watched him walk away, eyes leaking steadily. He looked around the empty street, the crushing loneliness settling in his chest. He Looked at the ground, clutching his hands together to steady their shaking as he, once again, watched Logan leaving Patton’s life.

Logan turned a corner, and, making sure he was out of sight and earshot, collapsed against the side of a building, only barely continuing to stand. He sobbed in short, choked gasps, unable to get enough air, hand shifting from his mouth to his eyes as he fell apart.

He hadn’t realized how empty he felt. So many years of forcing every emotion away numbed every one of his senses. Logan _finally_ felt something, and it was devastation, but it made him feel _alive_ for the first time since he broke his own heart. The thought of going back to feeling nothing was agonizing. He couldn’t just tear himself away from the one person who made him forget about how much pain he was in.

But he had no choice. Patton had made his decision. There was nothing more Logan could do.

He sank to his knees as his chest heaved. Logan wrapped his arms around himself to try to physically hold the shattered pieces of himself in place. He wondered if he should have done something differently, if he could have gotten a happy ending had he only been more prepared, known exactly what to say.

Logan’s tears ran out eventually. He knelt on the pavement, trembling all over, until he forced himself to get up.

Logan put one hand against the wall. He looked in front of him, and behind his shoulder, trying to figure out where to go. He took a step forward, then another. Logan started walking, heading in no specific direction, just focused on putting one foot in front of the other, wanting nothing but to run away from everything he couldn’t face. 


	6. A Different Kind of Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the wedding coming so close, Logan and Patton are both struggling. Logan can’t run away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the remarkable xionbean on tumblr for being my beta reader!!
> 
> Song rec: Could be two; Stone Cold by Demi Lovato (thanks to Catrina Mae for mentioning this!) and (It’s Hard) Letting You Go by Bon Jovi
> 
> Warnings: suicidal thoughts/self-loathing etc
> 
> So, wow, this ended up being really difficult to write. Please heed the warnings!! However angsty this gets I hope you guys enjoy!

Patton walked into the hotel he was supposed to be staying in for the night. Roman and Virgil were at the front desk. A few other wedding party members were in the lobby.

Roman picked up two room cards and walked over to Patton.

“Hey, James was looking for you,” Roman said. “He told me to let you know he’s up in your guys’ room.”

Patton nodded absently. “Oh, okay, thanks.”

Virgil squinted. “Hey, you okay?”

“Hm?” Patton tried to think through the cotton stuffed in his head. “I’m fine.”

Roman was oblivious, apparently. “What time do we have to be at the venue tomorrow for setup?”

Patton thought about it. He couldn’t remember. “I’m not sure. James should know.”

“That’s okay,” Roman shrugged. “It’s probably still on the itinerary on my phone.” He turned to Virgil. “You ready to head up?”

“Go ahead, I’ll be there in a minute.” Virgil pecked him on the cheek. Roman turned to leave.

Virgil pulled Patton to the seating area in the corner of the hotel lobby and gently sat him down. “Okay, spill.”

Patton looked over at Virgil, the pure concern and love he saw in Virgil’s eyes. His sluggishness and lack of focus disappeared, and everything else in his mind honed into a sharp point pressing into his chest. Patton’s dam cracked and broke open and everything burst out all at once.

~

Logan sat in a bar downtown, an empty glass of what used to be a neat double tequila resting lazily in his hand.

He stared down at the bar, feeling like he was barely functioning. He didn’t even know how he got to where he was. He had no idea how long he had been there. The bartender had walked over to check on him a couple times, but it was clear Logan didn’t want company, so he soon stopped.

Logan did know he had stopped crying before entering the bar. He was sure his eyes were still red, but he was just exhausted. Logan had used up the remainder of his energy in maintaining a sitting position and knew he didn’t have the motivation to get up and go home or even flag the bartender for a second drink.

Logan felt another person sit down next to him and saw the purple sleeve of a sweater out of his peripherals.

“I’ll have a cosmo,” Virgil told the bartender. He gestured to Logan. “And get him another of whatever he’s having, on me, thanks.”

Virgil turned to Logan as the bartender walked away. Logan still couldn’t gather the energy to shift his position.

“You don’t have to buy me a drink,” Logan mumbled. “How did you know I’d be here?”

“I didn’t,” Virgil said. “I had just about given up looking for you, so I walked in to get a drink. Total coincidence.”

Logan wasn’t entirely convinced that that was true, but he didn’t care enough to argue. Virgil peered over at him.

“Are you okay?”

Logan almost scoffed. “No.”

Virgil pursed his lips and thanked the bartender, who had set their drinks down. He watched as Logan gingerly moved his hand around the glass, hesitate, then toss his head back and down the drink, setting it back on the counter and not moving again.

Virgil sighed. “I wish I could help you, man.”

Logan still couldn’t look up, as much as he wanted to. “Thanks.”

Virgil hesitated a moment before continuing. “But, you know, you were the one who left. He managed to find happiness again. This is good for him. You can’t blame him for getting over you.”

Logan swallowed. “I know.”

“Really, though.” Virgil tried to catch Logan’s eye. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with something like this. You don’t deserve it.”

Logan almost immediately broke down. He bit his lip as his face heated again. Virgil turned back away and sipped his drink, pulling out his wallet.

Logan sniffed. “Are you leaving?”

“No, just paying my bill. I’ll stay here as long as you need me to.” Virgil shuffled some cash.

Logan nodded, nearly choking on his own suppressed emotions again. He couldn’t even croak out an expression of his immense gratitude.

He didn’t know how long they sat there together, in silence, until Logan mustered the energy to stand up. He thanked Virgil again and walked out the door, wanting to go anywhere but home.

~

Logan packed the next morning.

He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t have a destination. What he had was an expanse of time before his classes started and a desperate need to run away.

Logan packed light. He put a few versatile clothing items and some basic necessities in one suitcase and got into his car and drove. A few minutes in, he decided to stop once for coffee so he wouldn’t have to stop again for a while.

Logan walked into a coffee shop and ordered his drink. He sat down to wait, turned, and saw Mia Rojas walking through the door.

She stopped when she saw Logan. Logan prayed she would wave politely and leave him alone. She walked over.

“Hello, Logan,” she said. “We were just on our way over to the venue. I didn’t expect to see you before the wedding.”

The knife in Logan’s gut twisted. “It’s nice to see you again, Mia. Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to make it to the wedding.” Logan hoped he was able to hide the crack in his voice_._ Mia seemed to understand. She nodded slowly.

“That’s too bad. Patton seemed excited when he said he had reconnected with you.”

Logan looked down. “I don’t want to cause any discomfort.”

“That’s…considerate of you.” Mia hesitated, then sat down across from Logan. “May I ask, what do you think of James?”

Logan took a breath. _Why is she still here?_ “I think he’s a great guy. I think he’s good for Patton.” At least Logan didn’t have to lie.

“He certainly makes Patton very happy.” Mia sighed.

Logan swallowed and looked down. “Yes, he does.”

Mia glanced at him, gaze full of sympathy. She chose her next words carefully. “And it’s true that he fits with Patton well. Even though…” She hesitated, looking Logan in the eye. “I’ve seen Patton happier.”

Logan heard the silent words that would have come next. _With you._

And he recognized the underlying message that Mia would never even think of verbalizing: _It should be you._

Logan didn’t know why, but Mia’s implication pissed him off. This wasn’t something she had the right to decide for Patton; he had made his choice and nobody had the right to pretend like they knew better. Not only was it ridiculously inappropriate. Even if she did believe it, Mia shouldn’t have said anything, especially not to Logan.

Logan stood up, the ground swaying under him from the sudden change of state. “It was nice seeing you, Mia, but I have to get going.”

Mia pursed her lips, quickly changing it into a tight smile. “Nice seeing you, too.”

Logan picked up his coffee and walked out the door, shaking. He climbed into his car and started drove, passing the exit sign for the city and, eventually, the state, with no plan in his head other than _escape._

~

Patton couldn’t concentrate.

He was supposed to be excited. The whole day was meant for preparations for what was supposed to be the happiest day of his life. The whole experience was supposed to be a time he would look back on with love and nostalgia.

James was oblivious, for which Patton was eternally grateful. They had gone to bed the night before and Patton’s guilt ate through him all night. He couldn’t sleep. He didn’t feel like he had a right to even touch James, but then James would roll over and wrap an arm around Patton and he’d feel even worse.

Patton tried to forget. He focused on his fiancé, the love of his life, his almost-husband. He ignored the sourness that swelled in his chest when he looked at James, he didn’t allow himself to worry that it would never go away. 

They decorated the reception venue in the morning. Their families were there to help, along with the members of the wedding party who could make it there the night before.

James was blissful. He didn’t stop smiling all morning. He put everyone to work and made sure everything was running smoothly. He was so happy and it almost broke Patton’s heart. How could he betray someone who had never done anything but make him happy, someone he loved more than anyone else in the world?

James squeezed Patton’s hand. “Hey, you okay?”

Patton shook the thoughts from his head. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” He smiled tightly. “I just can’t believe it’s…really happening.”

“I know, right?” James chuckled. “It feels like we’ve been waiting for so long, it almost hasn’t set in for me yet.”

He turned away, and Patton’s vision flashed. He felt hands grasping at his shirt, tears wetting his cheeks, Logan’s mouth on his. Patton gasped a little, pulling himself out of the memory. He looked around.

His parents were unpacking boxes of glassware. Roman and Virgil were over across the room, giggling about something and putting together the table centerpieces. James sat nearby with his sister as they arranged seating cards. Everyone was cheerful, helpful, making every effort to make his day the happiest it could be. Patton looked at the floor, swirling with guilt, shame, doubt.

The day passed way too quickly. After setting up the venue, Patton and James went for lunch with their friends. The restaurant had some small celebration for the happy couple, reminiscent of those awful birthday performances waiters were forced to give. It was nothing elaborate, but enough to supposedly make them feel special. Patton forced himself to grin through it as their friends toasted to their happiness. James was embarrassed, but beaming effortlessly, and Patton hated himself.

Not long after lunch came the rehearsal. Patton walked down the aisle to James four different times until the organizer was happy with his pace. Each time James watched him walk to the altar, his smile grew bigger and lovelier. With each redo, the knot in Patton’s stomach grew tighter.

And once Patton got to that altar and joined hands with his fiancé, his vision flashed again, and he saw Logan standing across from him, and he hurt even more, and he hated himself even more.

The only even partial comfort was seeing how excited James grew with each passing hour. Patton knew James deserved better than the thoughts running through his head all day, but he hoped he could make James smile like that every day for the rest of their lives. But every time a thought like that flitted through his mind, he once again remembered Logan, and the night before, and he just went back to hurting.

The rehearsal passed and Patton went back to the hotel to get ready for the rehearsal dinner, where he would be expected to hold onto James’ arm the whole night, thanking guests for coming and showing them how happy he was to be there. But even that passed in a blur.

Before Patton knew it, he was back at his hotel. James kissed him goodnight, clearly about to jump out of his skin with anticipation, but James soon went up to his room to get some sleep. Patton stayed in the empty hotel lobby for as long as possible before he forced himself to leave.

Patton unlocked the door to his hotel room and switched the light on. His suitcase and belongings had already been brought in, and his outfit for tomorrow laid neatly packed on a chair, ready for transport to the venue. The door closed behind him. Being completely alone for the first time since Logan walked away the night before, the weight of Patton’s misery swelled enough to crush him.

~

Logan checked into a hotel hours away from home.

He had no idea how to escape. He wanted to just keep driving farther and farther until he fell off the face of the Earth. Nowhere was distant enough. He couldn’t outrun everything happening.

Logan rolled his suitcase into his room. His limbs hung heavy with fatigue and grief. He locked the door and started unpacking the few thing’s he’d need that night before leaving again.

Logan sat on the bed and pulled out his phone for the first time all day. A notification from a few hours before popped up.

_Event Tomorrow: Patton’s Wedding_

A sudden surge of adrenaline lit Logan’s nerves on fire. He didn’t form a coherent thought. He didn’t think at all. The only thing running through his mind was _run escape leave get away escape GET RID OF IT_ and he threw his phone away from him as fast as he could. It smashed against the wall and shattered, the few remaining intact parts of the screen going black.

Logan’s heart pounded. He really hadn’t expected such a visceral response. But Logan realized in that moment just how much he _couldn’t handle it._

Was it really already happening?

Patton sat on the bed in his hotel room, staring at the wall with his hands folded on his lap. He glanced at the clock: 12:03am.

He was getting married today. In less than sixteen hours, Patton would be married.

He continued to repeat that to himself, _married, today, married, married, _trying to make the words bring him the same excitement and joy they had brought over the past few months.

Today was supposed to be the happiest day of Patton’s life. And why wouldn’t it be? He had his dream wedding planned, with everyone he cared about most coming to celebrate with him. They rented a gorgeous venue that was even more breathtaking after the hard decorating work from the day. Patton had a wonderful, relaxing honeymoon planned the day after.

And he had such a great fiancé. James was _great._ He was kind, patient, accommodating, funny, sensitive, and exceptionally good looking. And he cared so much for Patton. His friends and family loved James. And so did Patton.

He loved James. He knew he did. Patton _loved_ James so desperately and it killed him that he wasn’t as happy as he should have been. Patton was being offered everything he ever wanted, and all he had to do was marry the love of his life.

Why the hell was that so difficult?

Logan wanted to do anything to stop the shattering of his heart, anything so that he wouldn’t have to live in a world where Patton was married to someone else. Escape. Get away. Run. Hide.

Where could he possibly go that was far enough? How could he escape when everything was a reminder of what he had given up? And how was the excruciating pain he was in better than feeling nothing at all?

He couldn’t live like this. He had to run away, any possible way he could. He’d jump out the window of his hotel room if he had to. He’d steal a bottle of chemical cleaner and down the whole thing.

A cold darkness settled on Logan. Where had that come from?

Logan’s chest heaved. He tried to ignore it. He couldn’t help but fixate on the fact that tomorrow Patton would be getting _married_. Logan gasped again, tears slipping out of his eyes and between the fingers that rose up to cover his mouth.

He saw now. It would be so easy to escape. One jump, one swallow, one tightly wound sheet hung from the ceiling, and everything would go away.

Maybe it would work. What else could be farther away?

Logan’s heart pounded. _Stop it,_ he chastised himself. _You’re being ridiculous. You’re going to throw your life away over something as pathetic as this? You won’t._

Logan stood up, panting, and paced the room. The pit in his stomach expanded to swallow his entire body in despair. Tears continued leaking uninhibited down his face as he ran his fingers through his hair. The voice in his head, the same one that had tormented him his entire life returned, dark and malicious.

_But what if you did?_

A knock sounded from Patton’s hotel room door.

“It’s open,” Patton called, unmoving.

The door opened. Patton heard footsteps behind his back, and Roman sat down next to him on the bed. The door closed on its own.

“How are you?” Roman asked, fidgeting with his hands.

What a ridiculous question. Patton was expected to be able to answer that in a single response? He barely knew how he was, and it’s not like he would have been able to form a comprehensible string of words to express it if he did know.

Patton sighed through his nose. He shook his head. “Am I making a huge mistake?”

Roman took a deep breath, leaning back on his hands. “Okay, so we’re getting right into it.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to put you in the middle of this. “Forget I said anything,” Patton added quickly.

Roman waved his hand, dismissing Patton. “No, no, it’s okay. This is why I came by.”

Patton sighed again. He wondered what he was supposed to be feeling right then. He had no shame, no fear, no excitement. He just felt hollow. And hurt. Always hurt.

“Patton, it’s normal to be nervous the night before a wedding,” Roman said. “I _don’t_ think it’s normal to already be doubting the decision to get married.”

Patton closed his eyes and put his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do.”

Roman put a hand on Patton’s back, rubbing his shoulder affectionately. They stayed there in silence for a few moments. Hesitantly, Roman bit his lip and opened his mouth.

“Patton, you still love Logan. I think you always have.”

“But I love James, too!” Patton cried, head shooting up.

“I know you do,” Roman continued. “James is good for you. I think you guys would be happy together.” He sighed. “But not if you aren’t over Logan.”

“Of course I’m over him!” Patton stood up. “_He_ left _me!_ I was _forced_ to get over him! He left, out of nowhere, and I never even had time to prepare! I didn’t get a chance for closure before he walked away and left me alone and James was the only one who gave me back everything Logan took! I had no choice but to get over him!”

Roman pursed his lips, one eyebrow raised. Patton stifled a dry sob and collapsed back on the bed, covering his face again, eyes burning.

Patton felt Roman’s hand go back to his shoulder. “What’s wrong with me?” He sobbed. “Why is this so hard?”

Logan sat on the bed. His hands shook. His vision was clouded with tears and darkness. Was he really considering something so drastic?

He wondered who would miss him. He didn’t have very many family members. His mother would miss him. Virgil would. Roman, too, probably. Was that it? Would the knowledge that three people would miss him be enough? Would anyone else be sad if he was gone?

Would Patton?

Logan could see Patton’s face as a faceless messenger told him what happened. Logan saw his features contort in grief, in denial, in regret, in guilt, in complete and total anguish. Logan saw Patton fall to his knees as it overtook him. Logan thought it would make him feel better to see Patton miss him so painfully in his mind, but it just deepened the wound in his chest.

Logan tried to talk himself down. _Something has to get better. This isn’t the end. You’ll be happy again someday. This isn’t rational. You haven’t been together in years. It would be almost embarrassing to go to such an extreme over one ex._

But all Logan could feel was the all-encompassing _hurt_ hitting him in waves. He couldn’t live like this for long. And it really would be so easy. And then everything would be over. He wouldn’t hurt so much.

One swallow. One jump. It would be so easy.

Patton looked up at Roman, a single tear running down his cheek. “I really love James. I swear I do. You have to believe me. I hate this.”

“I know.”

Patton took a shaky breath in. “I really don’t know what to do.”

“If you’re struggling with the choice, I can’t help you.” Roman sighed and pulled his hand away. “This is your responsibility. Just know…” Roman leaned over and locked onto Patton’s teary gaze.

“Whatever you decide, we support you. The people who love you want you to be happy. Nobody will be upset with you for making a choice that’s right for you.” Roman paused. “That includes Logan.”

Patton nodded and sniffed. He took a moment and a deep breath. He wiped his eyes and stood up. “Thank you, Roman.”

“Of course,” Roman said. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.” Patton nodded again.

“Do you want me to stay here?”

“Yes, please.”

Roman nodded. After a moment, he stood up and held open his arms.. Patton stepped forward and fell into his embrace. Patton took a deep breath and let himself relax, for just a few seconds ignoring the ache in his chest.

Logan stood back up, trembling. He looked for his phone before remembering he didn’t have one anymore. Logan took quick, deep breaths, at first not realizing he was hyperventilating. He started pacing again. The voice egged him on.

_What are you waiting for, then? Nobody’s coming to stop you. Nobody knows what’s going on. You really think it’s going to get better? You actually believe you haven’t fucked everything up beyond repair? You know the truth. This is exactly what you wanted, remember? This is your fault. You deserve this. **You deserve this**._

_ **Y̶̛̩̰͚̒͂͒͂͘͝O̶̻̠͍͎͎̭͓̲̓̔͊͘U̵̻̮̞̬͉̟̮̬̅͌̍͘͜ ̴̨̫̦͓̮͍̘̊̽D̸̛̞̭͙̲͈͎̫͇̹̂̌͂͐͛͘͜͠E̸S̷̢̰͔͎̠͍̏͆Ȩ̵̡̭̩̏͝ͅR̴̆̆V̸̲̝͒͂̾̋͊̇̾͠͠Ȅ̷͛͊̔̒̈́ ̵̝̦͑̏̽̍͛͠T̷̓̚Ḩ̷̛̞͎̗̺̋̅̑͐̄̑Į̵̠̩̠̳̺̳̫͂S̶.**_

Logan stumbled to the window and out onto the small balcony of his room. He gripped the railing and tried to steady himself, taking deep gulping breaths of the cool night air.

Logan looked up into the sky, scanning the stars. He couldn’t focus hard enough to recognize any familiar constellations, any minor source of comfort. The usual golden glow of the stars was gone, replaced with a cold, painful white light.

Logan swallowed and glanced down. He was positive the ground was a million miles away. The wind whipped his hair back as he squeezed the railing until his knuckles went white. His thoughts stormed through his mind like a tempest. It would be so easy. One jump. Logan’s eyes prickled. He bit his lip, letting a few more tears stream down, gasping panting shaking clinging to the railing. One jump, so easy.

Above his racing thoughts rose the sinister voice, the only coherent idea in his mind, moving in for the kill.

_What are you waiting for?_


	7. Epilogue - My Way Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in the year after?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to the glorious fall-sunflowers on Tumblr for being my beta reader!!
> 
> Song rec: Sierra by Bjear
> 
> Any feedback is appreciated :)
> 
> Please read the announcements at the bottom!!

_~ a little over a year later ~_  
  


Patton took a deep breath and stepped out of his car.  
  


He took a look around. The natural beauty of this place, so uncommon for cities, never ceased to amaze him. He took a deep breath of fresh October air. The lazy gondola streaming through the city’s heart shone blue and green and gold and purple in the late afternoon partly-shaded sun. Fairy lights sparkled across sides of buildings. The trees descended in a rainbow gradient, bright red at the top down to lush green leaves on the bottom.

Patton smiled to himself. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed his home.

He couldn’t believe he hadn’t been back since he’d moved the previous summer. He only worked about 20 minutes outside of the city, he could have visited anytime. Patton just wasn’t sure if he wanted to risk the emotional baggage usually attached to revisiting happier memories.  
  


But he had had a meeting downtown that afternoon, and he definitely wasn’t hurrying to go back home, so he figured he could stay a little longer and indulge in nostalgia for once.

And _damn_, did it pay off, Patton thought to himself. He could have spent the whole day strolling the city. He almost did. Just being there, surrounded by memories of the past decade, he was invigorated for the first time in over a year.  
  


Sure, every memory was tinted with melancholia, but that was common for most of Patton’s nostalgic endeavors. He ignored the pang in his stomach with the arrival of each glimpse of his past life, focusing on the jolt of excitement he got as he passed a cozy ice cream shop and a thriving 8-year-old Italian restaurant. He melted a little, seeing his old primary coffee shop, seeing over the horizon the best stargazing hills in the region. He stopped in front of his old apartment building, smiling sadly.  
  


He had gotten engaged in that apartment. Patton had been so happy. He had thought he would be happy forever.  
  


_You made the right choice_, he reminded himself. _You know you did._  
  


He did know. He wasn’t sorry about what he did. Still, it was difficult. Patton didn’t want to think about the life he had chosen. It just reminded him of everything he had given up, the things he hadn’t gotten a chance to fix.  
  


Patton sighed and glanced at his watch. He really did need to head home.  
  


He retraced his steps back through the city, absorbing every detail of the things that made him happy. As Patton walked as slowly as rationally possible down the street towards his car, he paused at a pedestrian traffic light and glanced over.  
  


They saw each other at the same time.  
  


Eyes locked. Patton’s breath hitched. His lips parted in disbelief. Just a few steps away, he stood. Black button down. Blue tie. Glasses glinting in the low sun. Dark hair messed up on purpose.  
  


Logan stood, looking just as caught off guard as Patton. Neither of them moved. Neither spoke, until Patton, breathless, finally broke the silence.  
  


“Hey.”  
  


Logan closed his mouth and swallowed. “Hi.”  
  


Patton took a breath as the tension solidified in the space between them. “How have you been?”  
  


Heat rushed to Patton’s cheeks. _What kind of question is that?_ What kind of question was he _supposed_ to ask in that situation?  
  


Logan cleared his throat. “Good, yeah, uh. Good.” He shuffled. “How about you?”  
  


Patton nodded. “Yeah, good. I’ve been good.”  
  


Patton wanted to scream. He wanted to throw his arms around Logan and tell him everything he had wanted to say for months. He wanted to apologize, to tell him he made a mistake, and that he missed Logan. He couldn’t even formulate the words. Why did this have to be so awkward? He felt a tug on his heart like it was trying to pull him closer to Logan.

  
“How’s…” Logan looked down and coughed. He put his hands in his pockets. “…how’s James?”

There it was. Elephant in the room. Patton laughed softly, without humor. “Oh, I wouldn’t know.”  
  


Logan’s head shot up.  
  


Patton grew immediately serious, intense, desperate. His eyes met and locked with Logan’s. “I didn’t get married.”  
  


Logan inhaled, letting his breath out quickly, eyes shining.  
  


“I called it off the night before,” Patton continued. “I just…couldn’t do it.”  
  


“Wow.” Logan pulled his hands out of his pockets. “That’s…wow. All this time…” He ran a hand over his hair. “I can’t believe I didn’t know.”  
  


Patton nodded again, looking down. The silence rose between them again, full of so many things neither of them had the capabilities to say aloud. Patton couldn’t bear it. He jumped.  
  


“Do you want to get some coffee?”  
  


The corners of Logan’s mouth twitched up. Just the sight of it eliminated all of Patton’s heartsickness.

  
Logan let out a breath, no longer able to hold back breaking into a full smile. He nodded. “Yes.”

The sun gleamed in the sky until it set. But before long, Patton watched it come right back up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay, first of all, I have to thank you all so, so, so much for the support you’ve been showing me and this fic. I have never had such an incredible response to my work as I have with this story. It’s one of the reasons it’s so hard to part with :’)
> 
> I truly, from the bottom of my heart appreciate every single like, every reblog, every comment, every silent reader, every time sombody reaches out to me about this. So thank you all so much for sticking with this story and for your support over the last few weeks.
> 
> Secondly, this story isn’t over! This is the right place to close out Logan and Patton’s story, but there’s a lot more that happens! As promised, I have planned a companion fic that explains what goes on with Prinxiety as this all went down! Their story expands further past where this one ended, so we’ll find out a little bit more about what happens next for Logicality through that :) I’m going to take a little break to get caught up on some schoolwork and to more thoroughly plan out the next story, but I’ll plan to get the first chapter up early December.
> 
> Finally, a huge, whopping thank you to my best friends and various beta readers, xionbean, fall-sunflowers (who created a tumblr just to be tagged as a reader) and thenewlarislynn! I so appreciate you all staying up late with me to work out plot holes, dealing with my panic at 5:40 on Saturday every week, and in general not being mad when I tease you about the ending :) This story would not be what it is without you guys helping me out.
> 
> Thank you all again, so much, for your support. See you in December!! <3


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